Losses
by Jared
Summary: [CCD] Suoh realises the real reason behind Nokoru's attempts to get away from paperwork. Now, it's a race against time. Can they possibly win? *revised edition with help from Emily-chan*


Losses  
Jared  


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Disclaimer:  
The following characters belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic. 

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Author's note:  
Special thanks to **Emily-chan** who pointed out a major error in the story. This improved version came out only because of your vigilance. Thanks lots. 

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One moment he's smiling cheerfully at me, the way he always does. The next thing I know he's dying. I really don't understand this at all. 

I had always taken care of him, taking the role of the older brother he so desperately sought, despite the fact that I was younger. Yet it was evident to all that I was far older than him. My desk was clear of work- his was hidden entirely by the huge mountain that he never bothered to sit down to finish. We were worlds apart, different in many ways. Yet I never dreamed that we would have to part some day. 

Cancer- why cancer? Why couldn't it just be a simple cold he had? Or liver failure. At least I know I could have done something to help, no matter how slim the chances of recovery, he had a chance. Not cancer- it eats away from the inside, and I can only watch on helplessly as he grows weaker day by day. 

I remember the day that we met, the things that we used to do together, the smile he reserved specially for me. He was my friend. No, I can't believe what I'm saying- he wasn't my friend. He is my friend. 

I suppose I would say that I have begun to neglect him. After I began dating Nagisa, I began to spend less time with him. I just never realised it until it was far too late. He took special care to let me leave early, and would plan 'trips' for me and Nagisa to allow us some time together. Never did he demand any attention from me; neither did he do anything to draw attention to himself. 

I remember times when I felt down after quarrelling with Nagisa, the time when Grandfather passed away, when Nagisa was away…he was always there for me. Yet I was never there for him- I never realised that those attempts to 'hide from paperwork' was actually attempts to hide the truth from me! What kind of a friend am I? The kind who only badgers him to do his paperwork, to live up to all the expectations that every one has for him, to add on to his burden, never to lighten it. Yes, that's the kind of friend I was to him. 

How I wish I could turn back time, and reorganise my schedule such that I would have more time to spend with him. Never again would I choose to force him to do his paperwork. I'd let him enjoy every single minute that he had free- playing the way he loved to. It's too late now, he's drifting away, out of my reach. I want so much to hold him back, to cling on and tell him how much I want him to stay, how much I depend on him. To tell him…don't leave, give me one more chance to make things right, only I know that that would be childish- I see him weaken before my very eyes; staying would be a relief for me, but it would be a torture to him. 

Maybe that's why he would play so hard- he probably knew that he couldn't make it, and wanted to live life to the fullest, every second of his incredibly short life. Yet I couldn't understand it, I never realised what he was trying to do. I've always seen myself as his protector, protecting him from all harm- but I couldn't save him from this. I hate myself for failing. Why didn't I watch him more closely? How could I have been so blind? 

Imagine this. I've always thought of myself as being the older of us two, but maybe he always was older- he just never let that side surface in front of me. He wanted so much to protect me, and all that façade of fun and games was just meant to distract me from what should have been painfully clear… that he was really putting up an act. 

I should have realised it. The way he does his work when he feels like it. As a matter of fact, despite his irresponsible and carefree façade, he always made sure he finished the paperwork whilst I was out on those 'hunting trips' searching for him- those trips that were designed to keep me entertained, and Nagisa would just be "coincidentally" at the same place and offer to help. He really did put in a lot of effort to make me happy. 

He hid it until he could hide it no more. I remember the day that he collapsed. It was sudden; I was totally unprepared for it. We were just walking in the Campus- he had said that he wanted to tell me something in private. Ijyuin had understood, though I could tell that he had longed to come. That's Ijyuin for you- understanding, sensitive, caring. Unlike me. 

I remember him pleading with me to go to the kiddie park with him, to go back to where we had our first Sleetsicle together- the place where he did all he could to protect me. I should have forbidden him to go, but how could I say no? Those eyes were looking so hopeful… 

It was there that it happened. We reached the spot, only to find that the man no longer sold the Sleetsicles- just as Ijyuin had said some time back, while trying to coax us to tell him of the incident 'three summers ago'. I can't believe I forgot that. 

Anyway, Kaichou suddenly went very pale. I was puzzled. Why should the fact that the Sleetsicles were no longer there that provoke such a reaction from him? I asked the obvious question- useless question really- "Daijoubu?". It was then that he tried to smile reassuringly once more, but it was so forced, unlike one of those easy grins that I had grown accustomed to. I guess it was just too much for him. He collapsed there and then, and would have hit the ground had I not caught him in time. 

Time seemed to stop then. My mind froze, and all I could think about was that the person who meant the world to me had collapsed for some unknown reason, and all that mattered was that he would wake. I shook him, trying to get a response, any at all. There was none. 

Everything after that was a blur. Somehow I managed to stagger back to the hospital, and there was a mad rush around me. The next thing I remembered was looking at his pale face through the glass window. It was only then that I found out that I found the secret that he wanted to share with me- he was in the terminal stages of cancer, and didn't have long to live. 

The shock crushed me. No matter what they said, I knew it was my fault. Cancer can be cured in the initial stages, but not in the advanced. The disappearing acts had not merely been for me to spend time with Nagisa, as I had initially thought. No, it was for him to go for Chemotherapy and to rest after it. In a way, it was for me that he refused to do his paperwork- it was to goad me to go looking for him. 

I have to admit, it was ingenious. I never checked out the hospitals when I was searching for him to finish his paperwork, which would be done by the time I found him anyway. He would always be asleep when I found him, next to the completed paperwork. Maybe it was because he was exhausted from doing paperwork, maybe it was just the side effects of the chemotherapy. I wouldn't know. 

After I found out, I began to spend every waking moment with him. I went for classes reluctantly- it took up most of the day; time that I could have been spending with him. Like always, he urged me to go out with Nagisa sometimes, yet I always refused. How could I go and enjoy myself when he was in such a state? Nagisa would understand. At least, that's what I believed. What a fool I was to believe that. 

Weeks later, Nagisa couldn't take it any more. She became cold and distant, and the quarrels began- that is, if you could consider them quarrels. She was angry with me, I was impatient to get back to him, and she was quite right when she said that I didn't even have time to quarrel with her. Yet he would still take the time to try to comfort me and encourage me to make it up to her. That made me feel ashamed- even now, I was still his burden. 

The attacks became more frequent. Hospitals were now a routine. He would collapse a couple of days after chemotherapy, and would wind up in the hospital bed, fighting to stay with us for another day. Each time I saw him like that my heart pained for him. I wished that it was me who was there, that I could take his place. If it was possible, I would willingly give my health for him to be well again. No matter how hard I wished, I was the healthy one, and he was still dying. 

Yet today, I watched the familiar scene unfold before my eyes, confident that he would emerge victorious once more, only to find that this was different. Nothing would ever be the same again, for that beautiful smile will never again play on the cold, limp form that was once my best friend. 

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Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. 


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